i can already breath better now that I’m releasing my shoulders… i hope this helps my progress..
patience. i so look forward to the day i can feel like a confident woman of class and conscious candor. and that is not to say i am not already, i just feel like i am coming-of-age. I am growing into that woman i am meant to be. but it takes patience to become her. it takes patience to do what i have to do each day without complaining or wishing i already had whatever it is i am working toward. truth of the matter is: I am in a better place now than i ever have been in my life because I actually KNOW WHAT I WANT OUT OF THIS LIFE! which is a new one for me. and yet, i still let other peoples’ ego games invade my influence. I have to be stronger than that. have faith in patience. your turn will come.. you just have to recognize the hard work you have to do to get there. no short cuts, no cheating, no beating, no breaks from the real you. 24 hours a day 7 days a week, as if a camera was on you, be yourself. be someone you are proud of.
so far, you are more than 30 days into sobriety and you are already healing your body and slowly but surely losing the weight you gained through this painful process of admitting and accepting the position you are in. now that we are consciously here, the exciting part comes because we get to do something about it: choose differently in the future!
take care of your responsibilities first and foremost. the time for extra gym trips, yoga & fantasizing/daydreaming on all that you want the future to be. instead, place your pointer in the present.
whats the most important day in all the history of the world? TODAY!
i need to remember that I’m devoting myself to a life a progress… that includes remembering that i should not get discouraged when i do not see progress right away, for that is just simply an old expectation from days of demanding instant gratification.. that never truly got me anywhere worth while.
these days, I want to go places worth while.
so take one day at a time…
do all that you can each day, & the rewards will follow
Im so excited for the day that i have an established job, am confident about my body and my style/hair/makeup, and can walk with pride that I am responsible and independent.
i can picture her…
i just need to keep her picture in my head so that i can keep making necessary steps daily to get there eventually. Even though it will take years… at least I’m starting now. I’ve lost too many years to avoiding this exact thing. it overwhelmed me so much, I lost control of everything else when i did try to deal with it. But that time I did it the wrong way… I tried to do it from the outside in. This time I have to do it from the inside out.
Establishing Identity From the Inside, Out;
Rather than judge yourself by looking in the mirror, take inventory of your daily actions, behavior and exchanges among fellowship around you. have you done your best? if not, face it readily.
last night mom and i were watching 60 minutes where they had a special on the actor who just died of heroin overdose. they played a clip of him decades earlier (having already gotten sober once) saying “the best you will ever feel is a job well done. That’s as good as it gets.”
aint it true…
somehow in the last hour i came upon this “human barbie” girl on the internet and its got my head in a talespin bc she also claims to be a “spiritual guru” … wow
for some reason that has made it difficult for me to focus
i just need to stay focused on the future
i feel as though ill never really be able to do anything on my own if i don’t start disciplining myself now and exercising my free will of making good habits to override the bad.
at a meeting on monday i recognized a girl who introduced herself as Lani. finally, i placed her as being familiar to me from LaRiena from which i would have known her as Shanley’s friend. My best friend at the time was Morgan McDonald and her older sister Shanley was the one who made the whole Scott scandal blow up. What was the Scott scandal you ask? Scott was Morgan’s 18 year old bf (we were 14) and I was sneaking out to have sex with him several nights a week for months on end. Shanley was the one to figure it out and rat me out to my parents. And I remember it being big gossip between Shanley and her friends, including her best friend Lani.
It was a God Charm to run into Lani at AA meetings because that incident was really the start to my whole spiral out of control… that was 8 years ago. It has been 8 whole years since I’ve actually felt like myself. Wow.
8 years sick. 8 years lost. but it could be worse. Kiersten lost 25. could have been much worse. I’m grateful for being in the position i am today, even when its painful and uncomfortable sometimes.
My uncle David is in a rehab right now and he’s in his 50s. He’s a pharmacist and seemingly can’t get enthused about anything at all. how sad. i don’t want to be like that. my mom went to a therapy meeting for him with an expert in addiction who is a recovered alcoholic himself. He said once an addict has stopped using, its important to fill that hole with something good right away, before it gets filled with something bad. Well for me, I want it to get filled with going to the gym. Ive let the meetings get priority over the gym for me lately, and yet i don’t know how much I’m really getting out of them anymore. I think I’ll just go to the Monday night Women Who Care from now on and maybe try out the Wednsday night Step meeting Anna was telling me about. And maybe go to the Thursday night Young Peoples meeting… But I do feel that the gym is more important than the meetings as long as I’m staying sober. I need to get my eating under control. And i think the best way to do that is work out so i can value my body more.
the addiction specialist who has been clean for 37 years says its important to him that his kids have never seen him with alcohol in his body bc he’s changing the pattern.. he’s changing the future. My mom mentioned that her daughter is going to AA meetings and she’s 22 and he said, “I’m very happy for you that Your daughter is going to meetings… she’s changing the future, too.” That made me cry. I am changing the future. I need to remember how strong I am.
By my birthday this year I could be sober 6 months, be working in a physical therapist office as an aid, and be 120lbs - if i dedicate my efforts in that direction. What do I have to lose? nothing. I only have much to gain!
3 months - highlights
6 months - nose piercing
1 year - nose ring
2 years - tattoo
pretty much, I’m picking up the pieces of my trashed past. Yes, It surely isn’t easy. But the rewards will be great in the long run… things can only get better.
For example, I’m ten pounds heavier than I am regularly… but that can change now that I;m not smoking I don’t have munchies, etc.
My room & car are always messy, but this will gradually get easier to handle as I organize my life & time.
PRIORITIZE PRIORITIZE PRIORITIZE
know what is important and what is not
my official sobriety birth-date is 1-4-14, which is a great date, so i want to keep it this time!
looking back at my first day of school, i fell prey to game that is always played by chain-of-command societies and social groups. but just because you’re invited doesn’t mean you have to play the game. instead of dishing out the judgement projected on to me, i can instead choose to reflect love and compassion back to them. humility, humility, humility.
so its my first day at moorpark and its really strange… it feels like an out-of-body experience.. just walking around campus to find my classes was bizarre. no wonder i was so stressed out last time i was at school: everyone is looking around and judging each other! although, how can it be any other way, really? i don’t know, i guess i just can’t fall into the trap again. i am letting my higher power know that i am open to having an alternative experience to the last time i was in college. i know i am not in control. i surrender my power to my higher power but i do intend my focus to be on the classes only.
and yet, in class, i could barely sit up straight, it was pathetic. my pre-algebra teacher is gorgeous, too. as i gazed out the window, i found myself even craving a cigarette. wtf?
as i settled into my desk, i couldn’t help but notice how slow class was going & how fast my mind was racing. I’m on a different frequency. is it because I’m drinking coffee again? it must be…
it can’t be helping this racing mind…
I’m finding myself, more than anything, craving friendship with the people in AA… which i wouldn’t find fault with except i can just picture how that would go…. I’m attempting to fit in.. but what would really happen is me losing myself before I’ve even begun to find myself again.. er, create myself, really.
school seems so tedious. it always has to me. this process appears that it is going to take FOREVER! like wow. goes soooo slow… but perhaps that is my addict mind wanting instant gratification again. yes. i think so.
when i catch myself doing that, i need to
1.)take a deep belly breath in through my nose and out through my mouth
2.) mentally recite the serenity prayer
3.) mentally repeat the maha mantra “hare krishna hare krishna/krishna krishna hare hare/ hare rama hare rama /rama rama hare hare”
also, when i feel judged and uncomfortable about fellow students and/or the social situations, i aught to just remember i don’t have to reflect onto them what they’re projecting onto me! rather than send back judgement, shower them with love… remember to love like god loves. and god doesn’t love just one person.. he doesn’t love anyone “special”.. he loves EVERYBODY the same. I need love everybody the same. i need approach everybody the same -with love & kindness - just as the people in AA approached & welcomed me.
i need only remember my ultimate goal in order to get through each day one day at a time: to serve others in sobriety & serenity.
basically, my goals are more simple than they have ever been:
1.) stay sober
2.) get through school
3.) learn how to be self-sufficient (keep refining daily habits, eating schedule, bodily hygiene, cleanliness of room & car etc.)
and how is this different than before? seems pretty simple, right?
well before, my main priorities were staying skinny & being cool. that included being “vegan” and smoking weed..
its not easy to switch gears…
one day at a time
SUFFER BADLY AS BEST YOU CAN, AND ONE DAY IT WILL REVERSE